“Oh, we are supremely screwed.”
Following the announcement by Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy on Wednesday that he would be retiring after 30 years on the court, late-night hosts across the dial weighed in on the looming ramifications of his decision.
“I never thought I’d say this, but you’re only 81! You know what they say, 81 is the new 79,” Late Show host Stephen Colbert quipped in his monologue.
With Kennedy retiring, President Donald Trump now has the chance to nominate his replacement which could give conservatives a solid majority on the Supreme Court.
“This is a seismic political event,” Colbert said of Kennedy’s retirement. “I would not trust Trump to fundamentally change the dessert course. Oh, we are supremely screwed.”
TONIGHT! Justice Kennedy announces his retirement. America announces they’ll be screaming until they pass out. #LSSC pic.twitter.com/3sz0u6cRWt
— The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) June 28, 2018
Over on the Daily Show, host Trevor Noah noted, “Trump will likely replace [Kennedy] with a Justice who would discriminate and dismantle abortion rights and LGBTQ rights, and that sound you’re hearing right now is Mike Pence having his first orgasm.”
“I know it’s sad to think about and this news is painful to think about…and all hope is dead and nothing can bring it back, but my friend Poncho hear is still going to try,” Noah continued, throwing to a viral video of a police dog in training hopping on its officer’s chest.
Also on Comedy Central, Jordan Klepper took aim at Kennedy’s decision during Wednesday’s The Opposition.
“We all know Justice Kennedy was the ‘swing vote’ on the court, and while swinging, while sexy, is deeply immoral,” the host said.
Klepper went on to offer his own suggestions for Kennedy’s replacement: “We don’t want anymore middle-of-the-road Justices, no, we want extremist from the sewer drains on the far right side of the road. Justice Judge Jeanine Pirro, Justice Ted Nugent, or maybe Trump appoints himself. Justice Donald Trump, what could go wrong? He already loves loose fitting clothes and controlling women’s bodies.”
On the Tonight Show, host Jimmy Fallon addressed Kennedy’s announcement in his opening monologue. “Today Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he was retiring, which means President Trump will pick his own justice,” Fallon said. “When asked which judge he will choose, Truump said either Adam Levine or Blake Shelton. ‘They’re both a little edgy, tough decisions.'”
As for Kennedy, himself, Fallon noted, “He’ll go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day.”
Later on NBC, Late Night host Seth Meyers joked, “Supreme Court justice Anthony Kennedy announced he is retiring today. ‘Do you know what that means?’ said Trump, who was really asking.”
Meyers added, “Also, Justice Kennedy, what are you doing retiring, man? You have a great job where you get to wear a robe all day and give your opinions on stuff.” Meyers then noted that was like retirement anyway. “Stick around, we’ll have a new president in six months, top.”